What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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