well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
