i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm really busy with my period
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