**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize