I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My dick has a subreddit
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
