sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
