3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
