Jerry, you need to find god
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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