I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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