He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
