Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
