So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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