my vag is so smooth its legendary
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
