May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize