6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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