I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
