Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
