This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
