I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
