maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
