I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
false alarm, still single
Randomize