At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
