I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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