In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
