i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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