I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think people are normalizing furries
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
