Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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