i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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