You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize