Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
