seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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