You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
