She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
