I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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