I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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