I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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