I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
