i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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