Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
