Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
