I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
