I wish my penis had an off switch
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
