Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
