What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
