Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You can't motorboat a personality
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
