Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
