a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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