They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize