Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
