Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
