tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We have started to decorate penises.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am available for nakedness
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
