yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
