u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize