I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
