Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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